Once upon a time there lived a ‘man’ named Jasper. You may be thinking why ‘man’ has those apostrophes before and after the word, and it’s because he is a man, but is not a very good one. He’s… a child at heart. So he’s a ‘man’. He has some, odd, messed up hobbies, and he is really weird and immature, but is sort of a nice guy… I guess. So, let me tell you a story about our dearest unsophisticated friend, Jasper. “Weeeeeeeeeeee!” Jasper shouted at Dorney park. He was very brave to be a ‘man’, and go on the ladybug ride.
“Ahhhhhhhh! This is so scary!” He shouted over and over. The kids in his ladybug cart were getting very annoyed. And they were four.
“Nooooo! Please! Stop the ride!” He shouted the loudest.
When the ride slowed down, he jumped out of the ladybug cart and barfed in the bushes. Then the kids came over to him.
“How old are you?” They asked very innocently.
“I’m 67 years old,” he replied. “But I look like 62.”
“You look like 147,” they said.
“You look like 2,” he said.
“You shut up you old woman!” They shouted. Then they walked away, heading to the Lunatic Looping Coster.
So Jasper headed to his mansion next to Dorney Park. See, Jasper doesn’t have a job, so he doesn’t get any money, so he doesn’t have a house. That’s why he hides out in some rich guy’s basement bathroom, and the rich guy never goes down there cause he thinks its haunted. So, it makes a perfect place to live.
But this time, Jasper made a pathetic mistake by walking right through the front door. The rich guy was sitting right in his living room, and saw Jasper walk down the stairs to the basement.
So, the rich guy called animal control, and they were over in a second. They went to the basement door and knocked it down with a hammer. They ran down the stairs in a orderly fashion into the basement bathroom. And when they opened the door….
“Welcome to Jasper’s bathroom!” Jasper shouted into the open with fifty guys from animal control, standing there looking awkwardly confused.
After two minutes of odd silence, Jasper finally spoke up.
“So… You want a tour?”
And before the animal control guys could say, “No!”, he already started showing them around.
“This historic bathroom was created in 2007, by Ghandi Luther King…” Half the guys already fell asleep.“… And he bought spray paint, and graffitied his name on the wall…” All the guys were alsleep.“… And then to celebrate, he invited his friend Hitler Bin Laden-“
Then all of a sudden, the rich guy came down the stairs to the bathroom.
“Welcome to Jasper’s bathroom!” Jasper shouted at him. “Would you like a tour?”
“A tour!?” The rich guy said very confusingly. “What do you mean a tour, it’s a regular half bath!”
“Or is it?” Jasper said, looking very mysterious and doltish at the same time.
“Yes it is!” The rich guy yelled. “It is a creepy, dull old bathroom with no history what so ever! So get-out-of-my-house!”
So Jasper walked out of the bathroom, trying not to step on the sleeping animal control men.
Right before he left the mansion, Jasper shouted at the rich guy.
“Your shampoo conditioner worked very well! Especially when I had lice! And your deodorant… wow! It also worked with my athletes foot!”
Then he left.
It was midnight by the time Jasper found a place to stay. He settled with a moon bounce in Dorney Park, just because it had a mini slide in it. And yeah, I don’t even know how he got into the park.
The next morning he made a mistake by sleeping in after the park opened, because he woke up in the bushes.
When he got out of the bushes, the first thing he spotted were the ride warriors of dorney park. So, of course, he wanted to be one, so he ran over to them in a ‘cool’ swagger.
So when he got to them, the first thing he said was:
“Can I be a ride warrior? Pleeeeeeease!”
So, the ride warriors were pretty confused, and it wasn’t pretty.
“Um… I guess so dude, if you…like, feel the soul of the radical, ridiculous rides…and have fun-”
“Yeah, yeah, I ain’t need your prep talk, just make me a ride warrior!” Jasper shouted excitingly.
So, the Warriors gave him a t- shirt that said ‘Ridin’ til I’m dyin’, and he threw it on top of himself.
“Now, let’s go ride on the Merry-go-round!” Jasper said, like it was totally terrifying.
“What?” The Warriors said in a major confusion.
“The Merry-go-round!” Jasper repeated. “Don’t ya think that’s pretty hardcore?”
“Dude, if you’re a ride warrior, then you ride the sick rides, like ‘Death Punishment’, or ‘The Summit.’” One of them said.
“The Death Punishment!? The Summit!?” Jasper said, while his teeth were chattering. “Don’t ya think that’s a little… Risky?”
“Heck yeah, that’s why we do it,” One said. “Cause we’re ride warriors, and if you can’t go on the rides, then you shouldn’t be ride warrior!”
Then, they stripped off his shirt, and headed toward The Death Punishment.
“Oh Shoot,” Jasper mumbled to himself. “I guess the Merry-go-round is just way out of their league.”
Then Jasper headed to the moon bounce where he was staying. But apparently some kids were in it, so he shouted to them.
“Hey kids! Free ice cream in China! Chocolate and Vanilla!”
And before Jasper could even blink, the kids were gone, running west toward the pacific.
“Kids just can’t resist ice cream now a day’s,” Jasper said to himself. Then, he jumped into the moon bounce, and went to sleep.
The next morning, Jasper woke up very bored, and decided to go to Rome.
“Oh yeah, Rome here I come!” He shouted. Then he charged out of the moon bounce, and to some beach in New Jersey. Then he jumped into the Atlantic and swam eastward.
In about five minutes, he saw land. Then he jumped onto it. There was a guy standing there, wearing clothes that would get burned in the US.
“Borkin Shnorkin,” the man said very awkwardly. “Weelcome to Gormany!”
“Wrong country,” Jasper said. Then he jumped back into the ocean.
After another minute, he swam through the Mediterranean. Then, he came up on another piece of land. But right away, he knew it was the wrong country, because he saw a statue of a powerful guy with robes, that only covered half his body.
“Greece,” Jasper mumbled. Then he jumped back in.
Then, he came up at Italy, and smelled the sweet smell of Italian food.
“Eww…yummy,” Jasper said. Then he trotted off to the first restraunt he saw. Except when he got in, he realized that the place was an absolute dump.
“Vhat do you vant,” a man in dirty clothes said. “Come on, we don’t got all day.”
“I’ll have some pasta,” Jasper said.
“Oh, so you don’t even say please?” The guy said in a confused and angry way.
“Now you get mush,” he said awkwardly, then he walked away.
“Ok…” Jasper said to himself. “That was odd.”
So, about fifteen minutes later, the guy came out with a big juicy plate of mush.
“Wow. I thought you were joking,” Jasper said surprisingly to the guy.
“I don’t joke avound,” he said. But then when he walked away, he slipped on a canoli and fell on a table.
“Yeah,” Jasper said. “You don’t joke around at all.”
So Jasper left the restraunt and decided to go to the beach. It was about ninety degrees and Jasper just wanted to rip off his shirt and jump in the ocean.
When he got to the beach, there was an unwelcoming surprise waiting right before his eyes. Apparently, this beach was a nude beach.
Nude woman, and nude men were laying on the beach with nude kids. There were nude people in the ocean, and holes in the sand, and nude people everywhere.
“Looks like I’m going to be taking more than just my shirt off,” Jasper said. But then he decided to leave, just like he decided to leave the restraunt.
“I think I’m going to go home,” Jasper said. “Even though I don’t have one.”
So Jasper jumped back into the ocean, not knowing where he was going. He was just swimming around the place, doing nothing, being bored. Then all of a sudden, he got an idea. It hit him square in the forehead.
“I think I’m going to go to Germany!” He shouted out. Then he swam north to Germany, where he was going to live.
So he jumped onto the land of Germany, and there was the same guy standing there.
“Borkin Shnorkin!” He shouted.
“Borkin Shnorkin to you to!” Jasper shouted back. And they both ran of somewhere shouting not real german words, acting just like ‘men’.